You know, for many years, people have stopped me on the street and asked me..."Doc Hormone, just what kind of doctor are you really?"
I haved pondererd this selfsame questump with a great deal of regard and perhumpsion, and must admit that although I have no official credentials in the field, I am in fact, an expert at Hurricaneology....
Now many more people have asked me if that is in the same class as meteorologists or weather forcasters with all that math and stuff?...No, I work more on the lesser known specifics of hurricanes and am qualified to answer many of the off beat questions that those with professorial credentials are intimidated to answer for fear of losing their plaques and honorary frequent flyer miles, Starbucks discount cards and stuff that all those fancy guys get for being so accurate at predicting these things...
Instead, I have chosen a field of science that dares to go beyond the logical conclusions, the safe answers, and the omission of speculation. I alone, Doctor Greg Hormone, am willing to provide conclusions based on ancient history, a study of the humanlike personality of these storms, and other stuff that I just made up as I went along.
Through many years of very up close, and personal study, I have approached these monsters, looked them in their big eye, and written my results into a catalogue in hopes of answering many untold questions as to why? why? why?...
It is a daring field and often my answers may miss the mark somewhat, but they are certainly much more interesting than the standard Hurricane reports you may read or view in the mainstream media of weather forcasting....
With that all being said, I proudly present my most recent predictions for the remaining 2005 Hurricane Season, as well as a catalogue of questions and answers on a F.A.Q. board that I have composed for your scientific edification.
As of October 19, 2005 here is my final analysis of the remaining Hurricane Forcast for the year as of 6:51pm EST:
Hurricane Wilma:
Now as the storm moves at a west/northwest direction, toward the Yucutan Peninsula of Mexico, we can expect the storm to bring all sorts of grief to the people of Cancun and Cozumel. If the storm landfalls there, it will weaken somewhat but it will likely strengthen again as it bounces off of the Mexican coast like a big fat jumping bean, and head straight towards Florida, and my own home....Shit!
I have repeatedly discussed the option of hauling some icebergs from the south pole up into the Gulf of Mexico, to cool down the waters and calm the temperment of these bitches, but according to the people at NOAA and the National Hurricane Forcasting Center, they dont even have money in their budget to buy flashlight batteries! So...thats out.
I have also suggested conscripting US Federal Prisoners into a "Hurricane Wildcat Defense Team" who would be assigned the duty of building "fake cities" as decoys for these hurricanes to learch out at, and thereby expend all their energy destroying a city that is made of paper mache' and garbage...still, NOAA and others scoff.
I finally suggested that the US Government consider moving the entire Guitmo' Prison camp for the Al-Queda terrorists onto a cruise ship as there are several available for Hurricane Relief efforts, and have that ship stay mobile in the Gulf of Mexico, along with a few very dedicated guards, willing to die for thier country, who might "accidentally steer into the path of the storm" Still no dice...too political!
As it is, presently, Hurricane Wilma will probably clobber South Florida sometime Saturday night...and all of the plywood, water bottles, and batteries will not save your asses! You who live in South Florida are gonna get yet another ass whipping! Have a Nice day!
It will be yet another rotten weekend in the armpit of the world, South Florida...and not even a little bit of good will come of it. Oh well....we are all just ants with beepers and cellphones...Remember when you were a kid kid with a garden hose and you found an anthill?...Yeah like that!
Travel Plans for the weekend:
So, aside from all of the math stuff, Cat5, 822 millibars, 168MPH winds, 10-12" of rain...just think in simple terms....Rotten Day!...Really rotten day! If you were dying of some incurable disease or just so depressed, and considering ending it all, this weekend is perfect for you!
Check your ammo and insurance, and pack for a long trip....The weather will be great for that sort of trip! All other trips are cancelled.
Future track for Wilma beyond Saturday October 22...
Really, beyond Saturday, who gives a rats ass?...If you still have a home and a life....let the others worry about where the freakin storm is going! Likely there will be another one or two behind it anyway.
Now, The FAQ page comprised by you, my readers with questions on storm preparation and recovery;
Doctor Hormones FAQ page on Hurricane Preparation and Recovery:
Q1: Dear Doc Hormone, I have read that Hurricane Storm Shutter Systems can actually "wear out" in time. If this is so...how long can i expect mine to last, and when will i know it has seen it's day?
Suzi Q, Pensacola, Fl.
A1: Suzi, Truth be the matter, Hurricane Storm Shutter Systems are worthless. They are just another way for someone to make a buck at your pathetic expense while you panic and try to re-arrange the deck chairs on the Titanic...You chose to live in a place where youre probably going to die anyway, and probably deserve it for being so stupid to think that you were escaping from the mean winter seasons of Michigan where you were probably inconvenienced but at least safer!...
Your storm shutters were useless the day you bought them, and when you have had to use them more than 4-5 times in one year, you should begin to look for real estate in Arizona, Loser. Next question.
Q2: Hey Doc, i read somewhere that these hurricanes are easlily intimidated by Voodoo incantations and that hanging coconuts around your home that are carved out as ancient dead souls, might ward off the storm. Is that so?
Fred J. , Baton Rouge, La.
A2: Hey Fred, were you awake at all for the last 2 months? If you can find your cousin Stella the witch doctor who lived in New Orleans last month, why dont you run that question by her? I understand she was run over by a bus, but good luck...maybe you could bring along some of your shrunken heads and other toys and see if they make any difference? besides, what the hell do you care? This one is coming straight at Florida, the stupid people who chose to live below sea level in New Orleans already have had their fun for the season! Idiot!
Q3: Dear Doctor Hormone, should i bring in all of my old lawn furniture or just let it go? Its rather old and i was thinking that the insurance company wold replace it anyhow. What is your advice?
Mike Hunt Ft. Lauderdale, Fl.
A3: Well well well, Mike Hunt....has anyone seen Mikehunt? Your just the kind of neighbor I always wanted to shoot by accident during the 4 of July "Fire into the air, and wonder where it drops" festival that many of my Cuban neighbors think is so "American"
Mike, take a tip....Tie the largest piece of lawn furniture you have, to your youngest child. Leave it on the porch. If your child loves you it will come back. If not, you always have the insurance claim form.
Q4: I have read much of your informative info from your book "Battling Hurricanes in the 21st Century" and the book is profound and replete with powerful advice for homeowners who live in the hurricane zones of the United States. You are an amazing man and i for one, worship the incredible advice you offer in that book!
You are an amazing man for one lacking any professional education in the study of natural weather phenomenon, an i for one fimly believe that your dynamic approach to refuting these storms is not only relevant but essential for those of us who have chosen to live our lives in the face of this evil weather, that certainly portends the end of the world as we know it! What does this mean from a biblical sense?
Anonymous, Somewhere....
A4: Thanks Mom, but really there is nothing for you to worry about. You are safe wherever you are right now...and please stop writing from the netherworld...it scares me!
Q5: Dear Hormone....given the current currents, and the longitudinal latitudes, with the barometric pressure occluding between the present measure of 882.5-894.68, and the omnicient pressure of the downward Front, which will extend along coordinates pt. 234l. and 345.lt. .8 for the next 36 hours, and the dynamic of extratresential trade winds countering the vex force of 16.45 on the Barmistfa scale of Orbitron in the quadrant of meg .644 with sea temps exceeding the norm of Testres scale of 1948, (appx 92 degrees fairenheit) do you think that Wilma will be wearing a tutu when she comes ashore sometime Saturday morning in Miami, or will there be dancing in the streets of Italy since Naples Fl. is the sister city to Naples in that country?
Giovanni L. Naples, Italy
A5: What the fuck?...Hey ya fucking dago i said there wasnt gonna be any math here! Go find your rosary! Nipple!
Q6: I was hoping you could offer some suggestions as to what graffitti i should write on my hurricane shutters that might intimidate the coming storm to keep it away from my house as you have written in previous advisories, so that my family might be spared from harm. I am concerned since I have lots of large trees on my property that i am fearful may fall onto our home and crush us all. Your thoughts?
Arlene Johnson Miami, Fl.
A6: Oh, Arlene, my dear Arlene...I was kidding....If you write bad things on your hurricane shutters, these monsters actually can read, and if the eye sees any taunting words, like a rabid dog being taunted in a yard with a chain link fence and a locked gate, you will surley be very sorry....
Instead, i suggest that if you are as ugly as you are stupid, you instead, sacrafice your prettiest daughter if you even have one, by strapping her legs a-kimbo between two of your favorite large trees. Put a sign out in the yard that says simply, "Hey Wilma ya lesbo, eat this!"
If youre lucky your daughter will only get a good douching which she likely needs, if not....it may at least be a human sacrafice that will keep the storm busy enough to prevent further damage to your home...its a tossup so to speak! Use spell check! Hurricanes hate bad punctuation!
Well, thats all for now....I Doctor Hormone must get back to reinstalling my worthless shutters. There will be more later on the recovery episode of this event later....
Also stay tuned to the White Mud Blog for upcoming hurricane news....
http://www.whitemud.us/blog/
I haved pondererd this selfsame questump with a great deal of regard and perhumpsion, and must admit that although I have no official credentials in the field, I am in fact, an expert at Hurricaneology....
Now many more people have asked me if that is in the same class as meteorologists or weather forcasters with all that math and stuff?...No, I work more on the lesser known specifics of hurricanes and am qualified to answer many of the off beat questions that those with professorial credentials are intimidated to answer for fear of losing their plaques and honorary frequent flyer miles, Starbucks discount cards and stuff that all those fancy guys get for being so accurate at predicting these things...
Instead, I have chosen a field of science that dares to go beyond the logical conclusions, the safe answers, and the omission of speculation. I alone, Doctor Greg Hormone, am willing to provide conclusions based on ancient history, a study of the humanlike personality of these storms, and other stuff that I just made up as I went along.
Through many years of very up close, and personal study, I have approached these monsters, looked them in their big eye, and written my results into a catalogue in hopes of answering many untold questions as to why? why? why?...
It is a daring field and often my answers may miss the mark somewhat, but they are certainly much more interesting than the standard Hurricane reports you may read or view in the mainstream media of weather forcasting....
With that all being said, I proudly present my most recent predictions for the remaining 2005 Hurricane Season, as well as a catalogue of questions and answers on a F.A.Q. board that I have composed for your scientific edification.
As of October 19, 2005 here is my final analysis of the remaining Hurricane Forcast for the year as of 6:51pm EST:
Hurricane Wilma:
Now as the storm moves at a west/northwest direction, toward the Yucutan Peninsula of Mexico, we can expect the storm to bring all sorts of grief to the people of Cancun and Cozumel. If the storm landfalls there, it will weaken somewhat but it will likely strengthen again as it bounces off of the Mexican coast like a big fat jumping bean, and head straight towards Florida, and my own home....Shit!
I have repeatedly discussed the option of hauling some icebergs from the south pole up into the Gulf of Mexico, to cool down the waters and calm the temperment of these bitches, but according to the people at NOAA and the National Hurricane Forcasting Center, they dont even have money in their budget to buy flashlight batteries! So...thats out.
I have also suggested conscripting US Federal Prisoners into a "Hurricane Wildcat Defense Team" who would be assigned the duty of building "fake cities" as decoys for these hurricanes to learch out at, and thereby expend all their energy destroying a city that is made of paper mache' and garbage...still, NOAA and others scoff.
I finally suggested that the US Government consider moving the entire Guitmo' Prison camp for the Al-Queda terrorists onto a cruise ship as there are several available for Hurricane Relief efforts, and have that ship stay mobile in the Gulf of Mexico, along with a few very dedicated guards, willing to die for thier country, who might "accidentally steer into the path of the storm" Still no dice...too political!
As it is, presently, Hurricane Wilma will probably clobber South Florida sometime Saturday night...and all of the plywood, water bottles, and batteries will not save your asses! You who live in South Florida are gonna get yet another ass whipping! Have a Nice day!
It will be yet another rotten weekend in the armpit of the world, South Florida...and not even a little bit of good will come of it. Oh well....we are all just ants with beepers and cellphones...Remember when you were a kid kid with a garden hose and you found an anthill?...Yeah like that!
Travel Plans for the weekend:
So, aside from all of the math stuff, Cat5, 822 millibars, 168MPH winds, 10-12" of rain...just think in simple terms....Rotten Day!...Really rotten day! If you were dying of some incurable disease or just so depressed, and considering ending it all, this weekend is perfect for you!
Check your ammo and insurance, and pack for a long trip....The weather will be great for that sort of trip! All other trips are cancelled.
Future track for Wilma beyond Saturday October 22...
Really, beyond Saturday, who gives a rats ass?...If you still have a home and a life....let the others worry about where the freakin storm is going! Likely there will be another one or two behind it anyway.
Now, The FAQ page comprised by you, my readers with questions on storm preparation and recovery;
Doctor Hormones FAQ page on Hurricane Preparation and Recovery:
Q1: Dear Doc Hormone, I have read that Hurricane Storm Shutter Systems can actually "wear out" in time. If this is so...how long can i expect mine to last, and when will i know it has seen it's day?
Suzi Q, Pensacola, Fl.
A1: Suzi, Truth be the matter, Hurricane Storm Shutter Systems are worthless. They are just another way for someone to make a buck at your pathetic expense while you panic and try to re-arrange the deck chairs on the Titanic...You chose to live in a place where youre probably going to die anyway, and probably deserve it for being so stupid to think that you were escaping from the mean winter seasons of Michigan where you were probably inconvenienced but at least safer!...
Your storm shutters were useless the day you bought them, and when you have had to use them more than 4-5 times in one year, you should begin to look for real estate in Arizona, Loser. Next question.
Q2: Hey Doc, i read somewhere that these hurricanes are easlily intimidated by Voodoo incantations and that hanging coconuts around your home that are carved out as ancient dead souls, might ward off the storm. Is that so?
Fred J. , Baton Rouge, La.
A2: Hey Fred, were you awake at all for the last 2 months? If you can find your cousin Stella the witch doctor who lived in New Orleans last month, why dont you run that question by her? I understand she was run over by a bus, but good luck...maybe you could bring along some of your shrunken heads and other toys and see if they make any difference? besides, what the hell do you care? This one is coming straight at Florida, the stupid people who chose to live below sea level in New Orleans already have had their fun for the season! Idiot!
Q3: Dear Doctor Hormone, should i bring in all of my old lawn furniture or just let it go? Its rather old and i was thinking that the insurance company wold replace it anyhow. What is your advice?
Mike Hunt Ft. Lauderdale, Fl.
A3: Well well well, Mike Hunt....has anyone seen Mikehunt? Your just the kind of neighbor I always wanted to shoot by accident during the 4 of July "Fire into the air, and wonder where it drops" festival that many of my Cuban neighbors think is so "American"
Mike, take a tip....Tie the largest piece of lawn furniture you have, to your youngest child. Leave it on the porch. If your child loves you it will come back. If not, you always have the insurance claim form.
Q4: I have read much of your informative info from your book "Battling Hurricanes in the 21st Century" and the book is profound and replete with powerful advice for homeowners who live in the hurricane zones of the United States. You are an amazing man and i for one, worship the incredible advice you offer in that book!
You are an amazing man for one lacking any professional education in the study of natural weather phenomenon, an i for one fimly believe that your dynamic approach to refuting these storms is not only relevant but essential for those of us who have chosen to live our lives in the face of this evil weather, that certainly portends the end of the world as we know it! What does this mean from a biblical sense?
Anonymous, Somewhere....
A4: Thanks Mom, but really there is nothing for you to worry about. You are safe wherever you are right now...and please stop writing from the netherworld...it scares me!
Q5: Dear Hormone....given the current currents, and the longitudinal latitudes, with the barometric pressure occluding between the present measure of 882.5-894.68, and the omnicient pressure of the downward Front, which will extend along coordinates pt. 234l. and 345.lt. .8 for the next 36 hours, and the dynamic of extratresential trade winds countering the vex force of 16.45 on the Barmistfa scale of Orbitron in the quadrant of meg .644 with sea temps exceeding the norm of Testres scale of 1948, (appx 92 degrees fairenheit) do you think that Wilma will be wearing a tutu when she comes ashore sometime Saturday morning in Miami, or will there be dancing in the streets of Italy since Naples Fl. is the sister city to Naples in that country?
Giovanni L. Naples, Italy
A5: What the fuck?...Hey ya fucking dago i said there wasnt gonna be any math here! Go find your rosary! Nipple!
Q6: I was hoping you could offer some suggestions as to what graffitti i should write on my hurricane shutters that might intimidate the coming storm to keep it away from my house as you have written in previous advisories, so that my family might be spared from harm. I am concerned since I have lots of large trees on my property that i am fearful may fall onto our home and crush us all. Your thoughts?
Arlene Johnson Miami, Fl.
A6: Oh, Arlene, my dear Arlene...I was kidding....If you write bad things on your hurricane shutters, these monsters actually can read, and if the eye sees any taunting words, like a rabid dog being taunted in a yard with a chain link fence and a locked gate, you will surley be very sorry....
Instead, i suggest that if you are as ugly as you are stupid, you instead, sacrafice your prettiest daughter if you even have one, by strapping her legs a-kimbo between two of your favorite large trees. Put a sign out in the yard that says simply, "Hey Wilma ya lesbo, eat this!"
If youre lucky your daughter will only get a good douching which she likely needs, if not....it may at least be a human sacrafice that will keep the storm busy enough to prevent further damage to your home...its a tossup so to speak! Use spell check! Hurricanes hate bad punctuation!
Well, thats all for now....I Doctor Hormone must get back to reinstalling my worthless shutters. There will be more later on the recovery episode of this event later....
Also stay tuned to the White Mud Blog for upcoming hurricane news....
http://www.whitemud.us/blog/
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